Are you “happy” today?   Shouldn’t we be??

I became a mom on November 18^th, 2004 at 1:55 in the morning.  A moment, I will never forget… I found true happiness in the happening… and JOY in the moment.  (Shout out to Pastor Aaron and his sermon!)

I reflect upon the years from that moment to today… what a life-changing experience one moment in time can give us.  One second, you are not a mom, and the next second… you are.

Pretty powerful s#*!.

However, this day… it gives me pause.

Everyone has a mother.  As my pastor at church said, “It’s science, people.”  We have all been born under the will of God. We have vessels in which we travel to become present on this earth.  We call said vessels “mother.”

I struggled thinking of how to write this blog.  In the midst of so much (WTF?!) uncertainty in life and in this world, I hold tight to the “steady” things in my life.  The relationship I have had with my mother has been anything but steady.  In fact, I believe it is the driving factor which makes me strive to be the mom I missed…

I was born 47 years ago… I have a “mother.”  I have always had a love for her.  We have always had a love for one another.  However, we have seldom had the mom-daughter relationship.  Think on that.  It’s a hard sentence to write and perhaps a hard sentence to read.  But I have lived it.

I have passed in and out of her care;  and in and out of her favor.

I never really felt like I was missing out on anything, though.  I was raised by my grandparents (father’s side… but that is an entirely different blog post) and had more love and discipline that I could have imagined.  That generation fed my “old soul” more than I ever deserved.  I do not have the words of gratitude to warrant their love, and their fierce parenting.  The perspective I gained on being a parent perhaps set the bar higher than my mother could ever reach.

She is with me, my grandmother.  Her voice flies outta my mouth towards my children more than my own thoughts do.  I miss her every single day.  She created and fulfilled the noun “Mom” for me.  She reaped in love from me just as she sowed by loving me.  When you have been defeated by your mother, and you are rescued by a “mom,” you know the difference.  I try to be the difference… ever.single.day.

Throughout my life of living with and living without my mother, I never felt slighted.  I never even felt sad.  I remember vividly the moment I quietly closed the door as she dropped me off to live with my grandparents at eight years old.  I was not upset.  I was steadfast.  I was supportive.  I never felt angry.

HOWEVER, once I became a mother… and once my child became the same age I was when she left… well, lets just say it suddenly mattered.  It mattered a lot.  It was not my place to judge, but I did.

Your eyes change when you become a mom… they are deeper, more insightful.  They are less selfish.  When you see yourself in the mirror, you see less of yourself and more of your child.

Being a mom changes everything.

I struggle more as a “daughter” to an absent “mother” than I do as a present “mom” to my sons.

I know I am not alone.

I know that there are so many out there who cannot say or feel  “Happy” mother’s day.

Those who have lost their moms;  Those whose moms are in heaven;  Those who want to become a mom, but cannot;  Those who were a mom but have lost their child;  Those who gave birth and set their infant free to another “mom.”

There are many ways to be a mom.   There are many ways not to be a mom.

This day can be “Happy” and this day can be just downright hard.

Whatever this day brings to you… celebrate your process.  Admit your journey, whatever it may be.

Gain your wisdom from those who envelope you.  You can take motherhood cues from your friends, sisters, moms, aunts, anyone… Where you are empty, He will fill.

Where you lack, He will provide.  Where you seek, He will reveal.

If you are fortunate enough to have been born to a mother, who you can call “mom,” then celebrate THAT today.

If you have missed that, then celebrate the mothers in your life.  I have an aunt who has mothered me in ways I cannot express.  I have friend’s moms who have taken me and my family into their flock.  And I have mom friends who give me inspiration.   THOSE people are worth celebrating today.  He has planted them in the empty spaces of your life.  He fulfills where you lack.

“Happy” Mother’s Day… however you feel about it.

May you always feel worthy of a mother’s love… because you are.

 

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Psalm 139:13-14

 

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